ANATOMY OF A DOG SHOW

THE SHOW CHAIRMAN:  Leaps coliseum arenas in a single bound; Is more powerful than a 30-foot motor home; Is faster than a greyhound chasing a rabbit; Walks on water; Suggests policy to the AKC.

THE CLUB TREASURER:  Leaps grandstands in a single bound; Is more powerful than a mini-motorhome; Is just as fast as a greyhound; Walks on water if the sea is calm: Talks with the AKC.

THE AKC REPRESENTATIVE:  Leaps over five rows of benching with a running start and favorable winds; Is almost as powerful as a maxi-van; Is faster than a speeding Italian Greyhound; Walks on water in a Holidome pool; Talks with the President of the AKC when the secretary puts him through.

THE PROFESSIONAL DOG HANDLER:  Leaps over ring fences without getting hung up; Loses the tug of war with his motorhome fan belt; Can keep up with an Italian Greyhound in the ring; Swims well; Is occasionally addressed by the AKC.

THE DOG SHOW JUDGE:  Side steps snarling owners without inflicting self-injury; Is routinely run over by motor homes; Can sometimes see the dog racing around the ring; Is able to tread water when in over the head; talks to animals.

SPECTATOR:  Trips over Great Danes relaxing at ringside; Recognizes a van two out of three times; Is not issued a dog lead; Slips in yellow puddles; Talks to pillars.

NOVICE EXHIBITOR:  Falls over the mat at the entrance to the ring; Dries a VW Beetle; Is dragged around the ring by his Chihuahua; Parks in the middle of a puddle; Mumbles..."What's an AKC?"

THE RING STEWARD:  Lifts the coliseum and turns it upside down; Changes motor home tires without the aid of a jack; Catches the greyhounds rabbit in her bare hands and has it for dinner; Freezes water at a single glance; She is the AKC.

By Maggie Madden